Hey, are you a deflated right-wing American? Has the Obama re-election got you down? Does the thought of your fellow countrymen finally having access to affordable health care make you furious for reasons you can’t fully understand?
Well, my friend, maybe it’s time you tried BENGHAZI.
If you watch a lot of Fox News — and hey, why wouldn’t you? — you’ve already seen how hundreds of Americans have simplified their lives by focusing on one story above all else: BENGHAZI. That’s right, the folks at News Corp. labs have finally found the key to eternal right-wing happiness.
If continually voting against your own self-interest has you down once in a while, when the president you’ve been conditioned to believe is a Muslim terrorist sympathizer is also the guy who drone-kills hundreds and hundreds of Muslims and gave the order to take out bin Laden, there’s only one word that can bring you comfort — BENGHAZI.
Well, now News Corp.’s team of chemists have taken all the false umbrage and real exploitation of Benghazi and put it into convenient pill form. Now easy to swallow and covered with the same sugar coating Fox News gave eight years of Bush and Cheney coverage.
Hey, remember when we were attacked on 9/11 — ’01 — and it felt really good to rally behind the president and yell, “United we stand”? Well, now you can get that same feeling of moral certitude by smearing a president instead of cheering a president.
Hey, whatever the problems of your life — 30 years of failed trickle-down economics, the fact that deep down you’re kind of realizing you’re fighting for the rights of criminals to buy at gun shows with no background checks, the free reign of Wall Street bankers over a once-great democracy — it’s all going to leave after just one soothing, simplifying dose of BENGHAZI.
Just one pill in the morning gives you that sense of righteous false equivalency, with none of the pesky awareness that you’re actually exploiting four tragic American deaths.
But hey, maybe you’re really worried about a 2016 Hillary Clinton presidential run. Well, there’s BENGHAZI FOR HER. It’s extra strength will enable you to say, “Benghazi! Benghazi! Benghazi!” any time Mrs. Clinton’s name comes up. It’s like having the cast of “The Five” in your head all day long. But don’t take my word for it, listen to this satisfied customer:
Hello, I’m TV’s Frank. I was wrong about impeaching Clinton and invading Iraq and Obama not being born in America, and I used to be mad that George W. Bush was warned about 9/11 and ignored it, and that 60 people were killed in embassy attacks during the Bush years and Republicans did not care. But now that I’m high on BENGHAZI, I realize that the original 9/11 doesn’t count as a terrorist attack, and that President Bush should only be judged by what happened after that day, and that’s nothing compared to the blood that Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton have on their hands for plotting and carrying out the Benghazi attack. I may not be able to find Benghazi on a map, but now my party’s complete lack of any legislative agenda doesn’t bother me anymore, because, well, BENGHAZI.
Remember, it’s not lying if you really want to believe it. More importantly, BENGHAZI should not be taken with reality. Side effects may include ignorance; moral cowardice; exploitation of dead diplomats for crass, lame political points; incompetence; incontinence; fact-pulled-from-butt syndrome; short- and long-term memory loss; unexplained admiration for Sean Hannity; and a need to write “Benghazi” in all caps — you know, like Owen Meany.
Hey, that’s a literary reference. That’s elitist.
What? Why is that elitist?
Well, because … BENGHAZI.
I think he’s got it. If side effects persist, consult a doctor, but don’t listen to him because doctors use science, and science has a liberal bias.
Not only that, but … BENGHAZI.
|—||John Fugelsang: "BENGHAZI: Now in easy-to-swallow pill form!"|
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